Where Do We Go From Here?

My eyes are so weary that I can barely keep them focused today- I think I had stared at the computer screen for too long when doing my research on some conceptual inconsistency. So I simply let the tide of time washed me over and carried me through the day as I dealt with piles of work to be settled before the holidays slip in.
But I thought before I end my day of meetings, I could share some thought, just an itsy bitsy bite after a thought by a student.
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Within less than a year, we will have to make an important decision. A decision that can easily carved out your life in the next 10 years to come and are we ready to make such a decision?

This crossroad is ruthless with many things at stake: pride, glory, stability, peer pressure & maybe the taste of freedom.

I was at this junction once and I understand the struggle just a little bit. But I was slightly more lucky because I get two years to think about what I may want but it is not so for the ladies. In the end, after my two and a half yrs stint with the NS, I applied for a teaching scholarship and was offered one, which ironically, considering where I am now, rejected it after the briefing when we are supposed to sign the contract and sealed our fate.

Why did I apply for it and why did I reject it?
I always thought I want to be teacher but when I come to that decision moment, which I pondered for days, I just have to reject it, I long understood that having an interest alone sometimes is not enough. Can I or will I be the teacher I envisioned myself to be? If I screwed up, who will take the fall? Also, the scholarship did not allow me to take biochemistry (then) but only pure biology - not that I think they will offer to me anyway. So, after checking on the financial status of my family, I rejected the offer although I still pursue the same dream but at my own accord. When I entered Uni, I rejected the offer to play varsity Softball but decided to devote my time to social work to understand my comfort zone in dealing with youths and to really know if I am estrangled from the new generations. I wanted to know if it is still realistic to pursue my dream with my character because this job entails a lot from one. So somehow, I ended up working with youths for 7 years, abused and traumatised by them. Sometimes, it is very tiring and you burnt a hole in your heart because the relationships you handle can be very fragile and there may not be any reciprocity and sometimes I wonder how long can I hold out - I need a decent break every now and then to recharge.
NO need to say, I eventually the plunge to enter this profession (I was quite worried that I might get rejected by the ministry bcos of the less than amiable issue in the past). It actually took me courage because when you really take the plunge into a dream, it can either shatter or embrace you but I took the cue from Paulo Coehl's The Alchemist.
Despite all that, even now, I am not sure if I am doing the right thing or have made the right decision. I only know that I will always do my best even if I cannot be the teacher I envision to be.
Do I regret my choice? I don't because I knew the consequences when I made my decision although I must admit that I am not immune to a fleeting sense of envy when teaching scholars appeared. But only for that fleeting moment because I also know that without the scholarship I was then able to really explore my choices, face my challenges and inner demons, overcome many odds which only made me stronger. The person you see now is very different from what he used to be.

My friends and I always laughed at my predicament now. how lugi I am compared to my peers who took up the scholarship but they also respected and admired my beliefs and stood by me all this time when I ran headlong with all the potential obstacles and depressions. I guess I was never the conventional one, ready to be a rebel and fights for my own beliefs and ever-ready to take chances and get hurt.
But I must admit that I am lucky in path I walked so far.

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Can we make a decision now?
It is not a question which I can answer for you. I have seen both the extremes. Of friends in comfort of where they are and others hating every working day. I have heard of lost chances and frustration and also acceptance of their callings.
If you are willing, I can only offer an ear and bring some perspectives into your contemplation.


Enuff. I cannot make it already...