Such a Crappy Week

i think it all started with the loss of the game. The weight of it all loads up on the chest and it was a difficult period (together with other stuff) and I still feel it even though I am slowly dissolving it into another learning point, another thing to ponder over. maybe retail therapy tmr will help.
it is not about the winning or the losing. It was the lack of spirit from the players and my own haplessness. As I sit in the chair under the sun, squinting to watch the games, there are moments when I thought: should I stand up and shout at them,should I rally them up for an inspirational moment? M I just going to sit here and do nothing. In the end that is all i did - sit there but i figured I am really not an inspiring person because I am not really articulate enough. And I really can't scold them because I don't know how to even though I am mad at them for not living it up to themselves and their abilities. The scolding? I left that to coach.
I was seething because I wanted these kids to win, to bring it home for themselves and not for me. 6 years of games and I hoped this year will be the year that they can finally find themselves in a final to play the greatest game in their 6 years. There is such a good chance this year after working on getting in the DSA, the arrangement for Sat trainings and all the favours I pulled . But they blew it - at least for now - because they din have the heart to make it work.

I felt a little betrayed but more than ever, sad - for them for the defeat that should not have been. I asked: can I do better? what should I have done? Did I miss something out? Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't.

A student told me I was hard on myself. And it is difficult not to maybe because I recalled the difficulties I once had and dont want others to experience that misery I had.

Then come the lessons. you just know it when you are out of sorts. It has been a while since I felt that but it came back and the lessons were horrible I thought. I don' think anyone was listening or convinced for neither am I. So I looked at my classes and go with the theme of the week: can I do better? what is going wrong? is it inexperience and the lack of sound methodology? too emo?
Then I saw my colleagues coming up with this and that for their classes and suddenly I felt that I shouldnt be taking my classes because they deserve better.

Towards the end of this entry, I suddenly recall what I have been reading (again) recently: that the most important person to give your compassion to is to yourself. Because too very often, we are too harsh on ourselves.
So let's take a break. treat ourselves a little/more better.