B was really distracted today and little pockets of conversation carried on regardless of whether it was tutorial or the so-called catching up. Few listened. The jet lag did not help and I have trouble sorting out the emotional mayhem within. Some said I looked upset and how can I not?
Just a few hours before lesson, I met a member of the SB team who asked if I have bought goodies for the team and it was then when it struck me that I have not. A little embarrassed but it also made me realise that it was because the team has never/yet to make me feel part of it. Often, I don't feel appreciated and I felt like I am just playing an administrative role, so the relationship becomes very stale. Ironically, I got along better with other CCAs --- it was disturbing that I would say hi to many kiddos in other CCAs (who greeted me) as I walked towards the field but only to meet with silence in my own CCA as some conveniently ignore me. Yet it wasn't like that 2 years back with my cricket and softball teams which I have really bonded well with. I do wonder if it is because I demand too much from them this time?
I always tell the C-CAL under me during C-CAL cmp that the teacher-mentor has to be part of the team otherwise why would he/she want to work for the team and admittedly, I felt the inertia at various stages.
On the other hand, my classes were on my mind during my trip. So after hauling the load of goodies across the continents and entering a class which seemingly ignored you and whose members were only interested in their own conversations, I had to wonder about if there is something wrong with myself this year...and I was upset with myself. Sighz... in the end, I still gave out the goodies despite the brooding gloom because deep down I know I still really want to give it to them and without questioning. (the many thank-you softened the blow but it doesn't take away my worry for their studies).
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During my absence from school, a number of ex-students came by to say hi but instead have to drop a note. It was nice to 'hear' from them again but such is the way of fate. Sometimes, the 'goodbye, see you next time' never materialize. One came back from the States and visited the school on the day I left for Camb (when he had returned days before my departure date). So I didn't trust T when he said we will meet up during the x'mas period and I stayed at the airport yesterday upon landing so that I can send him off. And today, I met up with A in the late afternoon before she flew back to US tml morning even though she said it is alright if I am too tired from the jet lag.
In saying so, I am also glad to have met up with Rick in London after what seemed like an impossible mission. I must admit that I was really a bad conversationalist and I realised then that I really don't know much about him even though we have spent time working together in a US camp 4 years ago. so what brought us together? I think it was the sincerity we extended out to pple around us.
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In Groove with Life
***** A site for my classes because life goes beyond prescribed text and there is so much to share and to learn. And of course, since lessons are often punctuated with hysterical laughter and incoherent mind flow, here is a venue to organise my thought processes.
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