Sad or Angry

I reprimanded my class today. Mmm.. maybe reprimanding is the wrong word because I am real lousy at that. I was speaking from my heart would be more accurate. I told my friends that I am always weary after such a session. Then he reminded me that my tiredness did not come from an outburst/anger but from sadness. Sadness he said, is more tiring than anger. After all the effort, all the reminders and all the giving, it was sadness not anger.

I looked at these kids and thought, regardless how they did in their previous schools, here in the college it is a fresh new start. I was sad because I worried that they belittle themselves when they can be so much more. I have seen some bright sparks but their fires always dimmed before they have a chance to burn. I do not think they realise it themselves. And if we have a weaker foundation, it just means that we have to work harder to catch up, to be more responsible with ourselves and our goals at the end of the day. Slowly but surely together as a class we will make it there unless we choose not to work at it.
A friend said that I worried too much and perhaps I do but only because they meant something to me even when they waddle through the lessons with playfulness and some cheekiness. A time to play and a time to pay attention, we all need to work on that.

The day passes and while the sadness loses its core after seeing these silly kids with their grins at their ccas in the evening, I have to continue making some worksheets that I decided to create after much contemplation since last week.


*It is not my first heartbreak but perhaps there is more because of greater expectations of myself this year. When I first came in to teach a class of 07, they told me that they have learnt nothing from the relief teacher for a whole semester except that she loves char siew bun. And it was reflected in their fundamental in biological molecules and earlier topics which somehow, some never ever recovered from. I thought I will work hard this time to make sure that that doesn't happen to my kids. but I can only hope so.